Lack of Communication and Clear Expectations
Sometimes, the distance is simply a result of misunderstanding or poor communication between the children and the parents. While the parents assume their children know they are welcome any time they wish to visit, the children may be hesitant about how often they should call or stop by.
When these assumptions are left unsaid, they create a space between children and parents. What one side believes is “giving them space” or being considerate of the other person’s time, the other side interprets as “they don’t care” or “they are too busy for me.”
Research highlights how these small habits actually matter.
A study published in the Journal of Family Communication discovered that the single most important predictor for having a close family is not the large gatherings during the holidays, but the “micro-check-ins.” This includes sending short texts or having short phone calls to say “how was your day?” These types of behaviors, especially among families, reveal higher feelings of support. On the contrary, the families that tend to be vague about their expectations are the ones that tend to move further away without even being aware that they are doing so.
The truth is, however, than when distance sets in, it’s hard to close that gap. At the end, it all comes to keeping the relationship meaningful by making sure than no side has to wonder where they stand.
Lack of Emotional Support
When parents fail to acknowledge their children’s emotions while growing up, it can have a lasting negative effect. Children who have been dismissed or made to feel like their feelings don’t matter will often continue to believe this as an adult, that their feelings simply aren’t important. This makes it extremely difficult for them to ever get close to anyone else. Instead of being an open book, they’re forced to keep people at arm’s length and emotionally distant as a way of survival.
The science behind this phenomenon is rather simple. According to the American Psychological Association, the way we bond with people as adults is determined by the way we were emotionally programmed as a child. If those needs weren’t being fulfilled, it’s generally going to lead to a difficult relationship, lack of warmth, and a quiet resentment that can exist between a parent and a child for many, many years.
By the time these children become adults, they are likely to either stop calling their parents or simply keep the relationship and the conversations on surface level. What’s more, they won’t do this in order to hurt their parents, but as a way to make sure they won’t be hurt any further.
Overcoming this issue is certainly possible, but it’s a two-way street that requires looking back at those past experiences and creating a new space where the real talk would be welcomed instead of being dismissed.
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Parental Narcissism
It becomes a constant battle to build a healthy and balanced relationship when the parent puts their own needs and emotions before their children’s.
Rather than being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear, the narcissistic parent could simply brush off the child’s emotions or turn defensive as soon as they are criticized. This creates a huge divide between the two, as children of narcissistic parents tend to feel invisible as they grow up, and as adults, they begin to distance themselves as a way of maintaining their own peace of mind.
As to the clinical aspect of all this, the picture is rather clear. Research from the American Psychological Association illustrates the damage a lack of empathy from parents can cause to emotional development and ultimately to relationships. When you’re not really “heard” as a child, it’s not easy to feel “safe” being close to someone as an adult.
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